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What Men Really Want (It’s not what you think)

What men really wantMen exist in a world of competition. They compete and compare themselves with other men all the time. That’s why it’s so important for them to feel safe in their intimate relationships. Because they don’t really get that anywhere else.

Men are more independent by nature. That gets reinforced growing up, especially by their dads — “Be a man.” And their primary way of relating to other men is through activities like work, sports, and hobbies. So, most of their conversations tend to revolve around these shared interests and activities. They rarely open up to each other for support like women do.

That’s where you come in. For most men, you’re it. You’re all he’s got.

And what he really wants — is to be close to you.

So, how can you connect with him?

Find some shared activities you both enjoy. It might be watching a favorite TV show, taking a hike together, going to a ballgame or museum. And, yes his favorite shared activity will always be sex. But, there are other things he’d like to do with you too.

Remember, there are differences between how men and women think about closeness. Women think of closeness as a heart-to-heart talk with a girlfriend. But, men rarely want to be this open. It feels too vulnerable to them. That’s why, they’d rather just figure things out for themselves.

Practice talking through important things without it turning into a fight. (More on this in an upcoming post). This is how he learns that it’s safe to talk to you and open up to you.

Listen to him. Every now and then, if he’s learned to trust you and if he’s going through something particularly difficult, he may reach out to you for support. He might just want a sounding board. Or he might want suggestions and feedback. Ask him and he’ll let you know what he really wants.


All men aren’t alike. But, I wanted to share what you might experience with a good guy.
What do you think men really want?

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

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