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Why Long Distance Relationships Don’t Work

Why long-distance relationships don't workI just realized ‘Breaking Pointe’ is back. The behind-the-scenes show about Salt Lake City’s Ballet West is one of my guilty pleasures!

I’ve been following Allison’s agonizing decision about choosing between her love of ballet and her love for Jonathan.

It’s sad that she has to choose. But, I also get that you can’t continue a long-distance relationship indefinitely. And I don’t blame her boyfriend Jonathan for saying after 6 years apart, he wants them to be together.

Men Need Daily Physical Contact

Being apart for extended periods of time rarely works in relationships. We need regular contact to stay connected. And this is especially true for men. They need daily physical contact to keep the attachment hormones flowing. (Brizendine, 2006).

That’s one reason long-distance relationships don’t work.

You Don’t Really Get to Know Him

‘The other reason long-distance doesn’t work is — you never really get to know each other. When dates are few and far between, you want to make the most of your time together. So everyone is always on their best behavior (Whaling, 2002).

This is a problem, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. Because he’s not getting to know the real you. And you’re not seeing the real him.

Date within One Hour’s Drive

That’s why the general rule is to date men within an hour’s drive of where you live (or however far you’d be willing to drive to see him.) You need to be close enough to see each other regularly and spend time at both your places and with both your friends. That’s how you start merging your worlds.

My husband lived in Orange County when we met. And I was 43 miles away in Los Angeles County. I have to confess he did most of the driving. But, sometimes I drove down to his place and we went to the beach or I watched him in his outrigger canoe races.

I know it’s tempting to date men further out, especially if you’re dating online. But, remember, if he’s outside your date-driving-range, you can’t really get to know him. So, unless you plan to relocate while you date, don’t go there.

Unless you want to end up like Allison and Jonathan.

Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.
Whaling, A. (2002). Sunday Night Singles. Pasadena, CA.

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

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