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Having Trouble Finding Good Men (or Women)? Group Video Chat, July 23, 2011

I keep hearing… “All the good ones are taken.” Where do you go to meet the right men (or women)?” I always end up in the same kind of (bad) relationship and I don’t know why.”So, why are you having trouble finding good men (or women)?

We’ve all heard that it goes back to our families. And I hate to say it, but it really does. We are “hardwired” (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon, 2000) to attract people like the people who raised us. It might be your father, your mother, your brother, sister or cousin… or some combination of all of them.** But, the strongest influences are usually your parents, especially your opposite sex parent. They were the ones who taught you what it means to be loved (for good or for bad).

So, yes it’s important to know where to look.
And it’s important to know what to do when you see someone interesting.
And it’s important to know what to say once you meet them.
(And we’ll talk more about all this in the future.)

But before you look or do or say anything…

It’s most important to know what (or who) isn’t really right for you.

If you don’t want to keep dating the same person, with a different face…
If you want a different kind of relationship than you’ve had in the past…
The key is to understand that the people you’re attracted to are more like your family than you ever imagined.

Try this simple exercise:

  • Take a piece of paper and divide it into columns (enough columns for each of your family members +1 extra)
  • In the first column, list the qualities (good and bad) that describe the people you’ve had the strongest attraction to
  • Fold the paper over to hide the first column
  • Label the remaining columns with the names of each of your family members (one person per column)
  • List each family member’s qualities (good and bad) in their column
  • Open up your paper and circle the qualities in your family members’ columns that are also listed in the first column (the column describing the people you’ve been most attracted to)

There will probably be a lot of qualities in your family members’ columns that match the qualities of the people you’ve been most attracted to. Because you were “hardwired” by your family members to associate their qualities with love.

That’s what makes someone attractive to you. That’s when the bells and whistles and fireworks go off. That’s what makes chemistry.

So what does that mean? Does it mean you have to live without passion or sexual attraction? No. But if you don’t want the relationships you experienced growing up, it might mean initial chemistry is not your friend.

In fact, if your family relationships AND your own relationships haven’t been good, chemistry could actually be a red flag for you.

If you’d like to learn more about how your family could be affecing you and your relationship choices, I hope you’ll join me for my next Group Video Chat on July 23, 2011.

I can’t wait to “see” you there!

References:
Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. New York: Random.
Napier, The Fragile Bond: In search of an equal, intimate and enduring marriage. New York: Harper Collins.

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • franko says

    women have definitely become so very hard to meet nowadays, and with so many women that have an attitude problem it is a lot worse. a real good woman is very extremely hard to find for us straight guys that want commitment as well. and it is very true that many women years ago did accept a man for who he was, and he did not have to be RICH to be appreciated.

    • Vondie

      Hi Franko,
      It can be hard to meet a good woman at times. But, if you know where to look and what to do and say, it’s definitely easier. And you don’t want a woman who just wants you for your money anyway! You want someone who wants a commitment just like you do. Sometimes it helps to start looking in places where people share your values. That could be church, the dog park, a political campaign, etc. Because if you start with shared values, the rest is much easier to negotiate. Hope that helps! Thanks for your comment!
      Dr. Vondie :)

  • franko says

    i do have to say this, there are many women where i am that are into other women. and it certainly makes it that much harder too, especially that i am a very serious, down to earth, straight man looking for love again. it seems that more women nowadays are choosing their own sex, instead of us good men. very sad, i do have to say. i don’t mean to sound so rude, but i am sure you agree with me. but that is another issue, i thank you very much for you support and suggestion. PEACE.

    • Dr. Vondie

      Hi Franko,
      Yes some women do fall in love with other women. But, those women aren’t the ones you want, anyway.
      Because, there are lots of good women looking for a down-to-earth straight man. But, you have to know what to do and where to look.
      Check out my Dating 101 Topics, https://vondielozano.com/category/dating/dating101
      Wishing you lots of LOVE!
      Dr. Vondie :)

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