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Why You Have to Flirt!

dating, flirting, relationshipsFlirting can feel dumb, silly, coy.  But, according to Andy Whaling, MFT (Sunday Night Singles, 2001-2002) you have to flirt to attract the kind of man you really want.  And guys — when you learn how to read her signals, your chances for success (meeting her, getting her number, getting that first kiss!) are much better.

Flirting Weeds out the Sharks and Players
According to Andy, a good guy won’t approach a woman without some sort of signal that she’s interested, because he doesn’t want to get shot down.  So, when you see someone you think is interesting, it’s really important to smile at him and make eye-contact (even if just for a second).  It lets him know you’re open to being approached.  Andy says, if you don’t learn how to let a guy know you’re interested, you’ll only attract the ones who are oblivious to what you want (not a good sign).  Or worse, you’ll attract the ones who are only interested because you’re not interested (sharks and players).  And those guys will usually lose interest once you become interested.

Flirting Says She’s Ready to Take it to the Next Level
Guys —  once you approach her (at the book store, dance, etc.), pay attention to what’s happening.  Is she smiling and looking at you?  Is she answering your questions and asking you questions?  Is she standing closer than she was at first?  These things usually mean she’s feeling comfortable with you and enjoying talking to you.  If that’s happening, then it becomes completely natural to ask her to talk or hang out again.  But, instead of asking for her number (which can feel impersonal), Andy suggests asking to get together again — “It’s been really fun talking to you.”  (And she nods – “Yes.”)  “Would you ever like to get together for coffee or something?”

Oops — You Misread the Signals
Since flirting is mostly non-verbal, there will be times when you get your signals crossed.  When you do, it’s not necessarily the end of the world.  But, it’s important to take a step back.  For women, you can ask yourself what your actions and words are saying.  Maybe you were trying to be nice, but you ended up giving the wrong impression.  And guys, if you misread her signals, it’s time to slow down and really tune in to her.  And if you know each other a bit, it’s okay to talk about what happened, so you’re not just guessing.  If you’re just getting to know each other, it might be awkward to bring it up.

You Need to Keep Flirting! 
And you don’t just flirt when you first meet.  You need to keep flirting!  That’s how you communicate you like each other and you’re ready to take it to the next level, like when you:

  • Lean in to hear each other over the music
  • Hit him lightly when he makes you laugh
  • Put your hand on the small of her back as you walk
  • Stand close to her and look into her eyes (I’d like to kiss you)
  • Look back at him instead of looking away (I’d like you to kiss me)

And once you’re together, you still flirt!  It’s how you let each other know — I still love you.  I’m so glad you’re mine!  I want you!

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

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