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Finding Your Good Guy (Yes, He Really Is Out There)

When I was “out there” dating, it all seemed like such a mystery.  How did people get into good relationships?  How did they find someone to share their lives with?

I wanted a good relationship.  But, I was a little intimidated by the “good guys.”  I knew I didn’t want the “icky guys.”  And I always got hurt by the “hot guys.”

So, I didn’t know what to do…

Today I tell women, there’s a big continuum between the guy you’d die if you had to kiss and the guy you’re dying to kiss (you know what I mean?)

In between are the “good guys.”  And these are the guys you could have a real relationship with.

But, that’s always a new idea.  It’s easy to keep going for the same type of “hot guy” over and over even though it never works out.

In fact, I tell women, if you see someone and your eyes meet across the room — “run” the other way.

That’s chemistry and if it hasn’t worked for you in the past, there’s a good chance, it won’t work for you in the future.  But, that doesn’t mean the only alternative is the guy you’d never be attracted to.  That would be depressing.

I’m not suggesting you go for the guy that repulses you.  That would definitely not work.

But, there’s a whole continuum of guys in between.  And those are the guys to date. 

Just because you don’t have chemistry in the beginning doesn’t mean it won’t develop.  In fact you can have passion with someone that you didn’t have initial chemistry with.  In fact, some of the best relationships start out as friendships.  But, the passion develops later on.*

And the great part is — it’s real.  So, it’s not gonna burn off in a couple months after the infatuation wears off.  In fact it can get better.  Because it’s based on who they really are and who you really are.

That’s intimacy.  And isn’t that what you’re really looking for? 

So, before you give up.  Try looking at things with fresh eyes.  And consider taking a risk on a “good guy.”

Otherwise, there’s a whole sea of men out there you may be missing.  And who knows … your very own good guy could be right there waiting for you.

So, go get ’em girls!

*Andrew Whaling, MFT who used to host Sunday Night Singles talked about this.  You can also read about it in Terry Gorski’s Getting Love Right, (1993).

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

{ 3 comments… add one }
  • Gina Curasi

    I completely agree with the idea that finding “Mr. Right” is not accomplished quickly. Sometimes I think that we have a tendency to act more instinctually when establishing relationships as opposed to being meticulous. As a result, I find patience to be exceedingly important. At any rate, I totally agree with you about being willing to take a risk on a good guy!!!!

  • Jairo de leon

    From a males perspective, some guys are in the same position. We want to find that girl who will make us feel important. My opinion for women is to not ignore the not-so-attractive-guy because sometimes that person can be the right one, not the perfect one, but something close to that. I would also sugest if a woman is attracted to a good looking person, make time to get to know them before opening her heart and running the risk of getting hurt. Cause looks can be deceiving. One last thing, there are men out there that are good, yet they are intimidated by a woman’s beauty and fear of rejection. So it would not hurt to give them a chance even though they may not seem like the prince charming on a white horse.

  • Vondie

    I love your comments! You’re both so wise. :) And I really appreciate hearing the guy’s perspective. You’re right Jairo. Sometimes a good guy can be overlooked, and we women are the ones who are missing out!

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