When I was “out there” dating, it all seemed like such a mystery. How did people get into good relationships? How did they find someone to share their lives with?
I wanted a good relationship. But, I was a little intimidated by the “good guys.” I knew I didn’t want the “icky guys.” And I always got hurt by the “hot guys.”
So, I didn’t know what to do…
Today I tell women, there’s a big continuum between the guy you’d die if you had to kiss and the guy you’re dying to kiss (you know what I mean?)
In between are the “good guys.” And these are the guys you could have a real relationship with.
But, that’s always a new idea. It’s easy to keep going for the same type of “hot guy” over and over even though it never works out.
In fact, I tell women, if you see someone and your eyes meet across the room — “run” the other way.
That’s chemistry and if it hasn’t worked for you in the past, there’s a good chance, it won’t work for you in the future. But, that doesn’t mean the only alternative is the guy you’d never be attracted to. That would be depressing.
I’m not suggesting you go for the guy that repulses you. That would definitely not work.
But, there’s a whole continuum of guys in between. And those are the guys to date.
Just because you don’t have chemistry in the beginning doesn’t mean it won’t develop. In fact you can have passion with someone that you didn’t have initial chemistry with. In fact, some of the best relationships start out as friendships. But, the passion develops later on.*
And the great part is — it’s real. So, it’s not gonna burn off in a couple months after the infatuation wears off. In fact it can get better. Because it’s based on who they really are and who you really are.
That’s intimacy. And isn’t that what you’re really looking for?
So, before you give up. Try looking at things with fresh eyes. And consider taking a risk on a “good guy.”
Otherwise, there’s a whole sea of men out there you may be missing. And who knows … your very own good guy could be right there waiting for you.
So, go get ’em girls!
*Andrew Whaling, MFT who used to host Sunday Night Singles talked about this. You can also read about it in Terry Gorski’s Getting Love Right, (1993).