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It’s Good To Be Different As Long As We Ask What He Needs Every Once In A While

Today’s topic is for the guys.  And I know it’s not as fun as some of my other topics.

Because, let’s face it, wouldn’t it be nice if we could be with a guy who just wanted to do exactly what we want to do all the time!  But, that’s not reality.  Besides, part of a good relationship, is learning to take him into account, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that you forget about your needs or change who you are at any core level.

We women are natural people-pleasers, so I don’t want you to violate your boundaries or your values.  (And those of us who’ve been hurt or taken advantage of in the past, have to be extra careful that we aren’t exploited in our relationships.)

That’s not what I mean.

What I’m talking about is learning when it can be good to be flexible and generous.  So, when you’re with your “good guy,” try asking him what he wants every once in a while.  He may not be comfortable asking for what he needs or telling you what he’s feeling.  Because men aren’t supposed to be vulnerable.  But, trust me, if you ask him, he can probably come up with a whole “laundry list” for you.

Sometimes, it can be simple things like:

  • Cooking.  This is really important to my boyfriend.  So, even though I’m not big on cooking, I’ve been cooking more, because it means a lot to him.  (Though I have to confess, the longer we’re together the more he cooks for me!)
  • Sharing His Activities.  Men often bond through doing things together.   And since women are usually in charge of the social calendar, we have to remember to make time to do things he enjoys or to spend time with his friends/family.  He’ll be happier (and nicer) if he gets to do what he wants sometimes, too.
  • Listen to What He’s Trying to Tell You.  Men aren’t always the best communicators.  And women can usually out-talk a man.  So sometimes we need to hear what they’re trying to say, even if they’re not saying it exactly the way we would like them to.

But, all men aren’t alike and they don’t all want or need the same things.  So don’t guess what he wants.  Just remember to ask him every now and then.  You never know.  His answer may surprise you.

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

{ 1 comment… add one }
  • Gina Curasi

    Personally, I believe that individual differences serve to color, enrich, and enhance relationships. It’s true that some differences can be challenging. However, if we are able to understand the importance of compromise and complimentarity, our differences may augment personal and relational growth.

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